A CALCULATED RISK — Leilani R. Graham

Gaining a Heart But Missing Myself

I gathered it in my hands as it fell from my hairbrush, too saturated to hold anymore.

LatestLeilani GrahamDecember 24, 2022latest, featuredComment

Put on Your Mask Before Assisting Others

CPR in real life looks nothing like it does on television.

Leilani GrahamJanuary 16, 2022latest, featured

The Last Shower By Leilani Graham

A personal essay. 2nd Place, Kalanithi Award 2020

LatestLeilani GrahamOctober 27, 2021

How research helped map my family’s heart health

Clinical research is key to my family's heart health story.

LatestLeilani GrahamMarch 8, 2019Comment

Why a Temporary Advance Directive Turned Out to be the Most Important Page in My Medical Record

It had never occurred to me that I could actually die during the surgery. I know that I never again want to hold anyone else responsible for making care decisions on my behalf in such a difficult situation.

LatestLeilani GrahamSeptember 6, 2018

Excerpt: That Which is Close (to Your Heart)

I wasn’t born a cynic, but naivety is too easy to lose.

When I was eight, my great aunt gave me a training bra and underwear set for my birthday. The underwear was too lacy (itchy) for my taste, but the bra was a delicate ivory, with wide straps, a crewneck, and a sequined, cream-colored flower right in the middle.

Leilani GrahamJuly 24, 2018

X & Why

It is easy to quantify my life in numbers.

I am twenty-five. I've had four cardiac arrests.

There were three extra open-heart surgeries following my transplant: because my new heart initially failed.

I've been the vessel for two hearts.

I've coded once.

LatestLeilani GrahamApril 16, 2018featured Comment

Details.

For, Some scars heal.

Some wind their way

And impregnate through

The derma and the fat

The bone and the fascia

Sliced by hands not much older than yours.

Latest, UncategorizedLeilani GrahamJanuary 5, 2018featuredComment

FAQs - Part One

1. So, you got the whole thing replaced? Or just, like part of it?
2. Will you be on meds forever?
3. What is a heart biopsy?
4. Will you need another heart?
5. Do you know anything about your donor?
6. BUT YOU'RE SO YOUNG!?
7. Wow, so you're better now?

LatestLeilani GrahamDecember 14, 2017featured Comment

Twenty-Six

Do yourself a favor. Stop what you are doing. Find a quiet place. Close the door. If it is night when you are reading this, take a toke, pour one out, or just affix your noise-cancelling Bose headphones to the forgotten inner vestiges of you and absorb.

LatestLeilani GrahamDecember 1, 2017Comment

Still Up

Ah, hello midnight. It's been awhile.

If by awhile, you mean 24 hours, because hey! Wasn't I in this exact same predicament last night?

Huh.

LatestLeilani GrahamOctober 16, 2017gastroparesis, heart transplant, insomnia, la la land, midnight, pasek and paul, saint motel, transplantComment

Ephemeral

I thought I would no longer sweat the small stuff. I scoffed at the idea that I would still be too afraid to approach anyone remotely out of my league. I thought I would be more assertive, less accommodating, and so, so grateful. I thought a lot of things.

You've found it.